The Hardest Person to See

A priest and poet reflects on an anthology of poems as the entry point to help her young parishioners learn the art of self-examination.

By Megan McDermott

In the words of poet Naomi Shihab Nye, poetry gives “this mood… this sorrow…. this trouble… .a shape on the page.” I shared this quote during a workshop I led for my parish youth group during the last Lenten season, which focused on the arts and creativity as a means of engaging in self-examination—a key concept of Lent. While Shihab Nye meant to characterize the act of writing poetry, her words also apply to readers. Stumbling across the right poem can be like stumbling across your own feelings, doubts, and questions given shape; the right poem can make the vague, undefined, or lonely into something approachable. In turn, this self-realization can easily be intertwined with Christian spiritual practice; take, for example, the tradition of Examen, an evening prayer exercise that encourages practitioners to reflect on the events of the day, with an eye towards identifying and connecting with God’s presence in their lives.

The anthology You Don’t Have to Be Everything: Poems for Girls Becoming Themselves, edited by Diana Whitney, provides ample opportunity for a reader to come face to face both with themselves and with those whose perspectives might differ. Whitney conveys this in the introduction, where she outlines the purpose of the anthology and, from her understanding, poetry in general: 

Unlike self-help or how-to books, poetry does not try to fix…. It allows moments of intensity and moments of quiet reflection. It can mirror our shifting, intricate selves….. As you read… I hope you can embrace your own contradictions. I hope these poems offer some freedom from the restrictive oppositions of good/bad, smart/stupid, hot/ugly, sluts/prudes, cool kids/losers that the world imposes on us…. May this book help you release the illusion of your own inadequacy. May the poems let you live into the complexity and fullness of who you are—and who you are becoming. 

Though ushering people into vulnerability and complexity with love and grace is not always a strength of churches, it is yet a worthy Christian calling.

Thinking back on my own teenage years, my relationship with God was dominated by the fear that I wasn’t good enough or “Christian enough.” This anxiety (nourished by many of the evangelical texts marketed to teenage girls at the time) distracted from the heart of my Christian faith: the goodness of God. Instead, Christianity became about my own goodness, or lack thereof. 

The idea of being in process is resonant with the adolescent experience, the human experience in general, and the Christian idea of sanctification.

As Whitney suggests, these fears are not the exclusive domain of eager Christian teens, but are part of the broader adolescent experience; many young people are viscerally aware of all the ways they feel they aren’t measuring up. Whitney’s anthology sees poetry as one avenue where adolescents—and even adults—might experience liberation from the hurtful designations others place on them, or that readers might place on themselves.

The anthology seeks to capture eight essential human experiences: seeking, loneliness, attitude, rage, longing, shame, sadness, and belonging. Each section opens with an introduction by Whitney, which helps contextualize the poems that follow and make them more approachable for readers of all ages. Her reflections also further peel back the underpinnings of the anthology—underpinnings we might call spiritual or theological. 

Take, for instance, Whitney’s introduction to the anthology’s final section, “Belonging,” which states: “You are already enough, these poets say. You belong. You belong to our beautiful, broken, bewildering, wondrous world.” By priming her readers to look for these validations, Whitney predisposes them to approach the poems in a certain way—reading for community and for affirmation of one’s belonging and the beauty and wonder of the world. 

Of course, the real meat of the anthology comes in the individual poems, which represent a compelling array of styles and perspectives.

“self-portraiture” by Fariha Róisín thoroughly captures the spiritual goals outlined in Whitney’s introductions. The poet states “my greed for love, / for my own perfection, / reeks of desperation, / but it is me and i am holy / in my unholiness, so / wonderfully messy, / that I can’t help but begin to win myself over.” The idea of winning one’s self over—despite or maybe because of one’s imperfections—is a compelling spiritual concept. For me, it recalls the insight I first encountered in feminist theology: that, often, pride should not be considered the primary sin (particularly for women, those in other marginalized groups, and those marginalized along the lines of both gender and other identity markers). If we excise it too completely, we might instead sin through denigration of the self that God created.

“Holy / in my unholiness,” the words of a Muslim poet, are words we might hold up as a worthy interfaith declaration—one I’d be happy to hear any of the youth with whom I work declare about themselves (selves made in God’s image, and selves that are both, to borrow a Lutheran framing, simultaneously sinners and saints). 

“Survival Guide” by Joy Ladin similarly encourages readers to embrace themselves. The poem declares: “No matter how old you are, / it helps to be young / when you’re coming to life, // to be unfinished, a mysterious statement.” It insists we “Learn to love the awkward silence / you are going to be.” The idea of being in process is resonant with the adolescent experience, the human experience in general, and the Christian idea of sanctification—growing in holiness over time. Instead of resisting the “embarrassment of life,” or the reality of being incomplete, Ladin’s poem suggests that we ought to lean into this reality.

Angélica María Aguilera’s “in critique of modesty” joins these other selections to confront the ways teenage girls in particular are encouraged towards self-diminishment or self-denigration. Critiques of modesty are especially important for Christians to heed, since Christian uplifting of modesty and humility as virtues has often been done selectively and harmfully. Responding to assertions that she should be more modest, Aguilera writes: “I want to yell the way belligerent American men/ do…. I want nationalism for being /…. I want shirts with my own face on them… / …. I want schools to make children recite an allegiance to me each morning.” The poem ends with the desire “to be seen everywhere // unafraid.” This poem evokes bravery and a desire for visibility—particularly in those readers who feel pressured to stay in the shadows. Bravery is a resource that God might cultivate in us—that angels might call forth from us!—and that is often required to fulfill God’s purposes in the world. The desire to be seen, in contrast, is not one we might immediately identify as Christian, but it is one that Jesus fulfills throughout the Gospels—whether he’s spotting Zaccheaus up in a tree, seeing Nathanael under a tree before they meet, or recognizing truths about the woman at the well that others did not.

While poetry may not be the only way to gather resources and inspiration on our journey to learn and live love, it is a worthy way nonetheless.

In addition to illustrating self-realization and encouraging self-love, a number of poems speak to liberation in ways that are both specific to a particular experience and evoke broader lessons for those who might not share in the same identity. 

“But They Say I Will Not Make It” by Rachel Wiley begins with the poem’s speaker claiming fatness and naming the ways that others speak death and doom over them because of their weight. As the poem progresses, Wiley conveys a defiant embrace of life, declaring “at any given moment / some wild spark / is gonna blow me sky high/… maybe this is why I love the way I do / with teeth and swallow and song and snarl / and water and sparkle and consequence.” Wiley transforms the criticism of others—that the poem’s speaker can die at any moment; a statement that emerges from fatphobia and ignorance—into something life-giving, and connects it to the speaker’s vibrant embrace of the present. This transformation of hateful, death-focused proclamations into positive ideas is reminiscent of resurrection—the capacity of God, and faith, to turn suffering into life.

Meanwhile, poet Kayleb Rae Candrilli, in “On Crescents & Transition & Waning,” captures the feeling of coming home to one’s self through transition—specifically, through top surgery; “My body shrunk / to its new original…..I can look at my life more // closely than ever,” the poem reports. This phrase “new original”—contradictory on the surface—brings up the truth that sometimes we must change, or proactively seek change, to live into the fullness of who we have always been, or could be. Again, a poem of new life, hope and possibility.

While many of the works might be termed poems of affirmation, You Don’t Have to Be Everything has a broader range than just affirmation alone. Andrea Gibson’s “No Filter” demonstrates the act of confession—comparing the perfect self “on instagram” to the self who has done things wrong. The poem makes plain one of the speaker’s shameful acts of middle school cruelty. The inclusion of works like “No Filter” makes the anthology’s freeing ethos multi-dimensional; there is liberation in the assertion of one’s holiness—as other poems state—and also in revealing the extent to which we sometimes fail to respect our own holiness or that of others.

Taken altogether, the overarching themes of the anthology seem almost summed up in the penultimate poem of the collection, “Flowers #3” by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza, which states, “Learning to love myself takes forever / and it never ends.” You Don’t Have to Be Everything embraces the ongoing process of learning to love the self with all its beauty and flaws by providing poetry to accompany and nurture that endeavor. This undertaking is part and parcel of the task Jesus calls us to: loving our neighbors as ourselves. While poetry may not be the only way to gather resources and inspiration on our journey to learn and live love, it is a worthy way nonetheless, and one to incorporate alongside other means of nourishing and developing our spirits.

Megan McDermott is an Episcopal priest and poet living in Western Massachusetts. In 2018, she graduated from Yale Divinity School with a Masters of Divinity degree; she also earned a certificate from the Yale Institute of Sacred Music, an interdisciplinary program dedicated to religion and the arts. Megan first studied creative writing and religion together as an undergraduate at Susquehanna University. Her poetry has been published or is forthcoming in a number of publications, including The Christian Century, The Cresset, Relief, Rock & Sling, The Windhover, Amethyst Review, and Psaltery & Lyre.