{"id":5274,"date":"2022-04-20T16:12:09","date_gmt":"2022-04-20T16:12:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/farefwd.com\/?p=5274"},"modified":"2022-04-20T16:12:14","modified_gmt":"2022-04-20T16:12:14","slug":"rethinking-sex-a-provocation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/2022\/04\/20\/rethinking-sex-a-provocation\/","title":{"rendered":"Rethinking Sex: A Provocation"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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What Is It That We Want\u2014That We Really, Really Want?<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Christine Emba offers a solution to a culture of bad sex.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Review by Whitney Rio-Ross<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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As a girl raised in an evangelical church, I learned early to dodge uncomfortable conversations about sex. Premarital sex was off the table, of course, but purity culture went much further. By high school, sexual ethics (among the girls) felt like a competition in restraint, based on the fear-romance combination sold in books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>. To escape judgment at a sleepover, I said that I wouldn\u2019t kiss a boy until marriage. (I did not intend to keep this rule.) I went along with chastity agreements because that\u2019s just what you did if you were a real Christian.<\/p>

Christine Emba was raised in a similar environment and planned to remain abstinent until marriage. She eventually changed her mind but was disturbed by the emptiness and depression she found so prevalent in the current sexual culture. Soon after her liberation from a puritanical background, she realized the liberation offered to her didn\u2019t feel like freedom. She wasn\u2019t alone in this feeling: women especially were feeling disappointed by and even giving up on sexual relationships with men. This dissatisfaction fueled Rethinking Sex: A Provocation<\/em>. (She notes at the beginning that she\u2019s examining heterosexual relationships between cis men and women. This is good. We need a book about sexual ethics in the LGBTQ+ and nonbinary communities; I\u2019m dying to read it. But Christine Emba shouldn\u2019t write that book.)<\/p>

Emba begins by interrogating the term on which our culture\u2019s sexual ethic hinges\u2014consent. She believes \u201cconsent is a good ethical floor but a terrible ceiling.\u201d Consent is absolutely necessary, but it\u2019s concerned with legality more than ethics. Moving from consent meaning not saying no, to saying yes, to saying an \u201centhusiastic\u201d yes shows some progress, but it\u2019s still about what is technically allowed, not what is good.<\/p>

Because consent concerns what is criminal and not criminal, Emba argues, it leaves room for many uncomfortable situations that can lead to trauma, shame, or simply unpleasurable sex. That\u2019s really the hook\u2014straight people are having a lot of bad, and sometimes unwanted, sex. Through many interviews, Emba shows how often people on the dating scene technically consent to sex but don\u2019t necessarily want the sex that\u2019s being offered. As I did with purity agreements, they go along with it because it\u2019s just how sex works. It\u2019s how it\u2019s advertised<\/em>.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Real liberation doesn\u2019t end at being saved from<\/em> something bad; we must be liberated into<\/em> something better.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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The first half of the book examines the ways that women especially got into a sexual culture that doesn\u2019t offer the freedom hoped for in the sexual revolution. Emba uses the word \u201cvacuum,\u201d showing that victories in the fight for sex equality don\u2019t enter a new utopia; a capitalistic society that thrived on misogyny could repackage every breakthrough to work in their market, on their terms. Emba\u2019s look at advertisements of equality\u2014including the archetypes of the female playboy and girl boss\u2014is especially fascinating. Nothing is \u201cfree,\u201d but part of an economic system and the consumerism that fuels it. \u00a0Dating apps can lead to true love, but they were never our friends. They were companies.<\/p>

She also analyzes a key contradiction in advertising sex\u2014that it\u2019s both nothing and everything. Sex is \u201cjust a physical act,\u201d yet adults who aren\u2019t having sex regularly are pitied, as if they are missing out on something essential. There is plenty of evidence\u2014anecdotal and scientific\u2014that sex is more than a handshake. Emotions make transactions messy. Whenever my friends are shocked that they have developed feelings for a hook-up, I wonder how they missed an entire genre of movies. They want to be the \u201cchill\u201d person who\u2019s down to have sex and nothing more, but according to Emba\u2019s research, most of us aren\u2019t that person; most people on the dating scene want to find a committed romantic relationship. But that\u2019s risky, not sexy.<\/p>

You know what else isn\u2019t sexy? Judgement. Of any kind. Our sexual culture avoids judging any \u201ckink\u201d (used as a catch-all term for any sexual desire or act others may find weird) as long as it\u2019s consensual. Yet even in our consumerist culture, most people know they must control some desires; they at least shouldn\u2019t kill the coworker they loathe. Most people also like to think of themselves as people who care about others to some extent. It makes sense, then, that we shouldn\u2019t encourage malicious fantasies that edge us toward total unrestraint. Why should that change when our sexual organs get involved? If sexual morality ends at consent, our only rule is that we shouldn\u2019t assault people. What a victory.<\/p>

I understand this impulse to suspend all judgment for those who were raised in and now resent purity culture. Many young adults abandoned not just a set of rules but the communities that vilified those who disobeyed\u2014premarital sex made you a damaged slut; using birth control meant you were selfish; people in homosexual relationships hated Jesus and families. It makes sense that we would want to escape these kinds of judgments and reclaim sexuality as something good and not shameful. But by automatically \u201cconsenting\u201d to everything we once said no to, we\u2019re playing into the very stereotype on which purity culture thrives: those who disagree with us must be hedonists incapable of lasting, loving relationships. As Emba reminds us, consenting to constant casual sex isn\u2019t leading to the kinds of relationships most of us crave, especially when the sex is disrespecting us or our partners.<\/p>

Real liberation doesn\u2019t end at being saved from<\/em> something bad; we must be liberated into<\/em> something better. Freedom doesn\u2019t necessarily mean always taking what\u2019s offered but rather choosing what is good. So Emba offers a bit of a solution for a culture of bad sex: Perhaps we shouldn\u2019t consume what we don\u2019t even want; perhaps we should have less sex.<\/p>

This doesn\u2019t mean limiting ourselves to a certain number of sexual encounters. Rather, before having sex with someone we should ask ourselves if this is willing the good for ourselves and our partner. Are we planning to break their heart? Do we really want this sexual encounter, or are we using it (and this person) to numb ourselves? Are we letting someone demean us by assenting to all their whims? This will almost certainly lead to less casual sex, but hopefully also fewer regrets that could cause serious damage. (A bonus: Having less sex now to work toward a stable relationship could lead to more good sex in the future. In my monogamous marriage, I don\u2019t have to wait for Saturday\u2019s cocktail-induced confidence to hook up with someone who may not care about what I want.)<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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We should be talking about sex beyond the false dichotomy of abstinence or \u201ceverything goes.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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For years I\u2019ve heard Christians say we need better conversations about sex in the Church. But Rethinking Sex <\/em>takes on another important issue\u2014that sexual ethics isn\u2019t only for the religious. Religions can\u2019t hold good sexual relationships hostage. People with no religious affiliation can have sex that is more loving than the sex in many Christian marriages. (Sex doesn\u2019t become morally neutral at \u201cI do.\u201d) When churches believe they must malign all other sexual ethics to teach their own, \u201cI am the way and the truth and the life\u201d sounds more like a threat than a gift. We need true freedom and care in our sexual culture at large. We should be talking about sex beyond the false dichotomy of abstinence or \u201ceverything goes.\u201d<\/p>

And if someone wants to remain abstinent until marriage or for forever (it\u2019s not a fault to stay single), people with different standards should let them, not pressure them into \u201cconsent\u201d by claiming their choice must come from a place of shame. Maybe it does, or maybe it comes from a strong conviction (religious or not) that they wait. Emba reminds us that we owe each other something: we should think of everyone\u2014whether or not we\u2019re sleeping with them\u2014as an equal person and will their good. That means respecting everyone\u2019s agency.<\/p>

Rethinking Sex<\/em> is just the beginning of this conversation. Christine Emba wants her ideas to open thought, discussion, and even critique. It\u2019s about time we all share and listen, that we strive to respect each other as equal human beings in and out of bed\u2014even if that means having an awkward conversation before anything else. Vulnerable ethical discussions might not sound sexy, but as the poet Jane Hirshfield writes, \u201cThink assailable thoughts or be lonely.\u201d And aren\u2019t we tired of being lonely?<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Whitney Rio-Ross\u00a0<\/strong>holds a Master\u2019s in Religion and Literature from Yale Divinity School. Her writing has appeared in\u00a0<\/em>Sojourners,\u00a0<\/em>Reflections,\u00a0<\/em>America Magazine,\u00a0<\/em>LETTERS JOURNAL,\u00a0<\/em>The Cresset,\u00a0<\/em>St. Katherine Review,\u00a0<\/em>The Other Journal, and elsewhere. She is the author of the poetry chapbook\u00a0<\/em>Birthmarks\u00a0and lives in Nashville, Tennessee, with her husband.<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Rethinking Sex: A Provocation<\/strong> was published by Sentinel on March 22, 2022.<\/em> Fare Forward is grateful for their provision of a review copy. You can purchase your own copy on their website here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Christine Emba offers a solution to a culture of bad 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