{"id":10691,"date":"2025-01-16T15:52:46","date_gmt":"2025-01-16T15:52:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/?p=10691"},"modified":"2025-01-16T15:52:49","modified_gmt":"2025-01-16T15:52:49","slug":"childless-in-prospect-park","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/2025\/01\/16\/childless-in-prospect-park\/","title":{"rendered":"childless in prospect park"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Second Place: The 2024 Fare Forward Poetry Competition <\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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childless in prospect park<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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By Aberdeen Livingstone<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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I thought I\u2019d have children by now and today at noon my white sneakers
press the fallen petals deeper into the impressionable dirt\u2014magnolia,
I think, or some cousin, waxy and wide, pink stains spreading like fairy
blood, like communion bread dipped in wine or those third-grade science
projects where you spill some water on coffee paper and look! a rainbow
seeping through your fingers, spreading unstoppable across the fragile film.<\/p>

I thought I\u2019d have at least one by now and as I walk I notice how the off-white
of my worn shoes matches the cherry blossoms smeared on the soil, not so pure
as you\u2019d think, stained with tiny tan dots and worm-bitten and bespeckled
with gravel. the balding grass is flooded with it, like the new year\u2019s confetti
that blows across times square for weeks after, pinched under a taco cart wheel
in the final week of january when the year already seems spoilt like compost.<\/p>

The thing is, I\u2019d like<\/em> to have a child by now and the only time I can pray
is when I walk, when I am piggybacked into praise by the way the window
of the apartment across the street glints at golden hour or the way the shaking dog
sticks close to his owner as I pass or the way a female cardinal\u2019s swift wings
look like a japanese fan. I am the shaking dog. I am ever ready to bolt from your side,
imagining I can outrun this gnawing ache and sprint my way to serenity.<\/p>

Is it my fault I don’t have a child by now? and then the rain comes, reams of it
like beaded curtains, all let loose at once like my fear and my need to be right
when I am alone and the music swells and I dance and dance until I have
sweated out all my insecurities and finally let myself lean into your shoulder.
be still, you say. but I am a shaking dog and my shoes are not white and I am forever
bloodletting petals onto pavement as the rain skitters like a wild animal around me.<\/p>

I see myself holding my friends\u2019 children and giving talks about singleness
and spiritual heirs and I do not want it. I pull a veil across my thoughts
so you will not see the curse prepared for you should you take a hammer
to my wanting and smash my soul into something better and unbearable.
as I walk past the trees I look up and I am standing in the center of a pillar
of cloud or of white fire and I am wearing a bridal veil of bleeding blossoms.<\/p><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Illustration by Sarah Clark, from a photo by Sarah Penney on Unsplash
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Aberdeen Livingstone<\/strong> works in nonprofit communications and lives in a basement apartment in Brooklyn, where she is always finding new ways to store her growing library. She has published or forthcoming essays in Reactor<\/em>, Koines\u00fan\u0113<\/em>, and Plough<\/em> and poetry in Ekstasis<\/em>, Solum Literary Press<\/em>, Vessels of Life<\/em>, and Calla Press<\/em>. She writes regularly for her Substack, Awaken Oh Sleeper<\/em>.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“childless in prospect park” by Aberdeen Livingstone \/\/ 2nd Place, 2024 Fare Forward Poetry Competition<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":10692,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"ocean_front_end_style_editor":"no","ocean_post_layout":"","ocean_both_sidebars_style":"","ocean_both_sidebars_content_width":0,"ocean_both_sidebars_sidebars_width":0,"ocean_sidebar":"","ocean_second_sidebar":"","ocean_disable_margins":"enable","ocean_add_body_class":"","ocean_shortcode_before_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_after_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_before_header":"","ocean_shortcode_after_header":"","ocean_has_shortcode":"","ocean_shortcode_after_title":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_bottom":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_bottom":"","ocean_display_top_bar":"default","ocean_display_header":"default","ocean_header_style":"","ocean_center_header_left_menu":"","ocean_custom_header_template":"","ocean_custom_logo":0,"ocean_custom_retina_logo":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_height":0,"ocean_header_custom_menu":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_family":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_subset":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_size":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_unit":"px","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_line_height":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_unit":"","ocean_menu_typo_spacing":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_unit":"","ocean_menu_link_color":"","ocean_menu_link_color_hover":"","ocean_menu_link_color_active":"","ocean_menu_link_background":"","ocean_menu_link_hover_background":"","ocean_menu_link_active_background":"","ocean_menu_social_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_links_color":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_color":"","ocean_disable_title":"default","ocean_disable_heading":"default","ocean_post_title":"","ocean_post_subheading":"","ocean_post_title_style":"","ocean_post_title_background_color":"","ocean_post_title_background":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_image_position":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_attachment":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_repeat":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_size":"","ocean_post_title_height":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay":0.5,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay_color":"","ocean_disable_breadcrumbs":"default","ocean_breadcrumbs_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_separator_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_hover_color":"","ocean_display_footer_widgets":"default","ocean_display_footer_bottom":"default","ocean_custom_footer_template":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"ocean_post_oembed":"","ocean_post_self_hosted_media":"","ocean_post_video_embed":"","ocean_link_format":"","ocean_link_format_target":"self","ocean_quote_format":"","ocean_quote_format_link":"post","ocean_gallery_link_images":"on","ocean_gallery_id":[],"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[47,92],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10691","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-poetry","category-poetry-competition","entry","has-media"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farefwd.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/01\/Aberdeen-Livingstone.jpg?fit=2100%2C1500&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10691","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10691"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10691\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10705,"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10691\/revisions\/10705"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/farefwd.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10692"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href"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